Decompressing

Lately I've been so overwhelmed with thoughts of what's to come or what might not come, that I've literally brought depression and anxiety upon myself.

I've never been the type to throw pitty parties and wallow in sorrow but recent events have made me so oblivious to the things that have gone right in my 23 years on this earth.

Even in my relationship I find myself over thinking everything. Over thinking every phone call, text messages, and I love you's. So obsessed with wondering about how we'll be in the next 4 years, that I'm not able to live in the now and appreciate the love genuinely.

It's as if I'm living my life waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Learning to live in the now is not easy at all but I have learned that when I throw out my expectations of myself and others I feel a sense of freedom and clarity.

Freedom of not knowing whats ahead of me but conscious enough to know that in this moment it doesn't have any power over me. Clarity of being able to call myself out when I'm being a coward.

All to often we forget about the authenticity of living in the moment. In school we are taught to "Look toward the future" and that "Today is a reflection of tomorrow". But no one ever said "Deal with one fucked up a day at a time" or "Sometimes today isn't a palm reading for tomorrow. "

I was skeptical of writing this post because black people deal with their shit in private "so they say". but writing has always been my therapy and I refuse to sit on someones couch.

This is just a friendly reminder that even if the sun Isn't out today that doesn't mean a plant won't continue to flourish days after!

ME TOO

I can't remember when I first started growing breast or when my booty started to develop but I do remember when I first started to get attention because of them. All attention isn't bad attention but from older guys twice my age it became very disgusting and for a while I was ashamed of even having breast. For a long time I never wore low cut shirts or I would even go to the extent of wearing two bras to make them look smaller, because I just couldn't bear anyone noticing them.

And no I didn't hide my body from just men but also other women. I can remember running into grocery stores or gas stations and hearing older women say" Her chest is entirely to big", and " What are they feeding these young girls", or " I bet she's real fast in the ass". Even though I knew they were making assumptions on my appearance and not my character, the shit really hurt. 

 Also teachers would write up girls like myself for wearing shirts that unfortunately showed that we were top heavy. I can remember one in particular saying that we shouldn't wear v-neck shirts. I said to myself " Damn I'm not even safe at school".

With this new but long over due #METOO Movement I felt propelled to speak on how I felt on this very sensitive topic. For years women have had to tone down their God given assets because of fear of tempting men who can't control their dicks. We're told to wear longer skirts, never show cleavage, and no provocative language. 

But men are not being told enough to make sure you don't abuse women, or don't label women because of what clothes they choose to wear because its their God Given Right. We never tell these things to our little boys so that when they become men they don't abuse their power no matter what position they’re  in.

Even on a college campus we have both women and men making excuses for their favorite celebrities who are now caught up in this old age of men sexually/ mentally abusing women. I can't say that I was shocked by the boys in my class who said " why are they coming forward now". But when the women in my class agreed I damn near snapped my neck turning around to see if it was true. This movement isn't about the women who are on the come-up for money but the women who have no financial gain. It's about the women who have now found their voice and need to speak their truth. 

How can a woman not be able to step into another woman's shoes and see the endless possibilities as to why one would wait years to come forward about abuse. Imagine waiting to get your dream job in a man dominated industry and a few months after getting hired your boss makes a pass at you. Your options are to ignore and continue or quit. And quitting is no where on your agenda because you bussed your ass to get where you are.  Your boss is still not taking no for an answer and then decides to ignore all signs and sexually assaults you. 

You blame yourself because you didn't do anything in the beginning, and too disgusted to tell someone after you've been abused. 

From little girls being shunned because of their body image to grown women being victimized at their work place. The question isn't why are women taking so long to come forward but why aren't more men being man enough to say this is a reality.

I stand behind the #MetooMovement and if you don't you are indeed apart of the problem!