Decompressing

Lately I've been so overwhelmed with thoughts of what's to come or what might not come, that I've literally brought depression and anxiety upon myself.

I've never been the type to throw pitty parties and wallow in sorrow but recent events have made me so oblivious to the things that have gone right in my 23 years on this earth.

Even in my relationship I find myself over thinking everything. Over thinking every phone call, text messages, and I love you's. So obsessed with wondering about how we'll be in the next 4 years, that I'm not able to live in the now and appreciate the love genuinely.

It's as if I'm living my life waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Learning to live in the now is not easy at all but I have learned that when I throw out my expectations of myself and others I feel a sense of freedom and clarity.

Freedom of not knowing whats ahead of me but conscious enough to know that in this moment it doesn't have any power over me. Clarity of being able to call myself out when I'm being a coward.

All to often we forget about the authenticity of living in the moment. In school we are taught to "Look toward the future" and that "Today is a reflection of tomorrow". But no one ever said "Deal with one fucked up a day at a time" or "Sometimes today isn't a palm reading for tomorrow. "

I was skeptical of writing this post because black people deal with their shit in private "so they say". but writing has always been my therapy and I refuse to sit on someones couch.

This is just a friendly reminder that even if the sun Isn't out today that doesn't mean a plant won't continue to flourish days after!

ME TOO

I can't remember when I first started growing breast or when my booty started to develop but I do remember when I first started to get attention because of them. All attention isn't bad attention but from older guys twice my age it became very disgusting and for a while I was ashamed of even having breast. For a long time I never wore low cut shirts or I would even go to the extent of wearing two bras to make them look smaller, because I just couldn't bear anyone noticing them.

And no I didn't hide my body from just men but also other women. I can remember running into grocery stores or gas stations and hearing older women say" Her chest is entirely to big", and " What are they feeding these young girls", or " I bet she's real fast in the ass". Even though I knew they were making assumptions on my appearance and not my character, the shit really hurt. 

 Also teachers would write up girls like myself for wearing shirts that unfortunately showed that we were top heavy. I can remember one in particular saying that we shouldn't wear v-neck shirts. I said to myself " Damn I'm not even safe at school".

With this new but long over due #METOO Movement I felt propelled to speak on how I felt on this very sensitive topic. For years women have had to tone down their God given assets because of fear of tempting men who can't control their dicks. We're told to wear longer skirts, never show cleavage, and no provocative language. 

But men are not being told enough to make sure you don't abuse women, or don't label women because of what clothes they choose to wear because its their God Given Right. We never tell these things to our little boys so that when they become men they don't abuse their power no matter what position they’re  in.

Even on a college campus we have both women and men making excuses for their favorite celebrities who are now caught up in this old age of men sexually/ mentally abusing women. I can't say that I was shocked by the boys in my class who said " why are they coming forward now". But when the women in my class agreed I damn near snapped my neck turning around to see if it was true. This movement isn't about the women who are on the come-up for money but the women who have no financial gain. It's about the women who have now found their voice and need to speak their truth. 

How can a woman not be able to step into another woman's shoes and see the endless possibilities as to why one would wait years to come forward about abuse. Imagine waiting to get your dream job in a man dominated industry and a few months after getting hired your boss makes a pass at you. Your options are to ignore and continue or quit. And quitting is no where on your agenda because you bussed your ass to get where you are.  Your boss is still not taking no for an answer and then decides to ignore all signs and sexually assaults you. 

You blame yourself because you didn't do anything in the beginning, and too disgusted to tell someone after you've been abused. 

From little girls being shunned because of their body image to grown women being victimized at their work place. The question isn't why are women taking so long to come forward but why aren't more men being man enough to say this is a reality.

I stand behind the #MetooMovement and if you don't you are indeed apart of the problem!

Trap of Social Media

In this day and age I find myself all to often overwhelmed with the never ending list of post on my social media accounts.
Everyday i'm reminded why I should delete my accounts but I always tell myself I need to keep them so that I can promote my blog and eventually build a brand.

But does it really even matter? I mean seriously i'm friends with some of the most amazing people on Facebook, but it doesn't matter what positive thing they have going on because people would rather share videos of women fighting, a baby smoking a cigarette, or Beyonce's maternity shoot.

I could post the cure for cancer and no one would care except the same 7 people who usually digs what i'm saying . And I know this is because my other 335 friends are so wrapped up in the materialistic bullshit in this world.

And no I don't think i'm better than anyone but the little girl that sent those friend request is long gone and has evolved into this young woman who's thirst for knowledge is growing more each day.

The other half of me is like why do you even care when you know damn well the real will relate and the others will glance and stroll right on by!


Its definitely a catch 22. And I juggle with the yes or no everyday.


I'm convinced that I was born in the wrong generation.

Off My Chest

If you're Still There!



Majority of the women that I connected with over the years have had one common thing that we related on and that was not having a relationship with our father. I would always think like damn how could all of us have this same complex . Then the questions flow in and you start to wonder what would make a man think that their presence in their child's life isn't needed and if they ever wanted to be around from the start.

like for me as an example I've always been close to his parents and sister but I've never felt a connection with him. When I see my little cousins with their fathers there's a unspoken level of love and respect between them and its normal to them but to me the shit seems far fetch.

Over the years  I avoided the question"who's your dad" because I felt like shit I don't have one. Or if they assumed my brothers father was mine I would just agree and keep it moving. Some people still don't know and I like it that way because people have tendencies to ask more questions like " so your the oldest?"," who's your mom?". Which you could imagine annoyed the hell out of me.

And if your thinking I'm one of those fatherless daughters who feels like the mistakes I've made over the years are because of his absence you're dead wrong!
If anything its made me the self efficient woman I am today.

I cant really reflect on the shit he hasn't done for me because that's not my burden to carry but what I can and will do is make sure that I never fall in the arms of a man that's like him. I'll never put who ever I'm with over my kids are ever make them feel like their invisible.  I think as we get older we open our eyes more and see who people really are and then choose whether to deal with them or not.

As i'm typing this today I don't feel love or hate. I feel Liberated. Free from it all.

TAKE CARE OF YOUR AUTHENIC SELF

As i'm sitting here admiring my curl pattern on my now natural hair I legit began to get emotional because of the long road it took me to get here.

Back in 6th grade I was getting my hair did every two weeks, and every two weeks my hair stylist at the time was letting me get crimps YES! every two weeks. For those who are lacking melanin crimps is a hairstyle that requires plenty of heat each and every time they are created. 

So i'm pretty sure you can guess what happen next. Yes all my hair came out!! and the lady who was doing my hair told me " I told you not be getting crimps every week" 

I remember this day so vividly because I said to myself " lady if I knew my hair would end up damaged by it I would have never got them". 

After that day I didn't wear my hair out for another 6 years and that's when the insecurity about my hair began to plagued my life,

From Glue ins to sew ins to box braids to micro braids none every really made my hair grow back. From hairstylist to hairstylist none of them cared enough to help my hair grow back nor did they ever tell me it was damaged. I would just pay them and go on my merry way. I came to a point where I just was like fuck it and I told myself I didn't care about having hair and i'll just wear weave forever.

As the years went by I had the whole ideal that as a black woman I may never have long hair down my back and that's just the way it is .

Once my Perm hair fell out I decided to go natural which was the first step to nurturing my crown.

Eventually I stopped going to hair salons and I decided to buy wigs so that I could care for my own hair.

And then it happened.....my hair started to grow.  I saw a whole different type of beauty in myself that I didn't knew exist.

I'm Blogging about this to say that it's nothing wrong with getting  dolled up and ultimately you can get what ever hairstyle you damn well please, but you have to wonder why would a stylist put something in your hair that could potentially take it out or leave you without edges.

It's very important that when you take off all those European standards.... make sure that you see your own Glory.

Take care of your Authenic Self.

PS: I ain't Bald BITCH!

ODE TO BADU

Ode to Erykah Badu: G.O.A.T

So I'm sitting here thinking to myself, why am I the way I am. Then it hits me. Its because I was blessed to be able to have such amazing women knocking down walls. On every occasion I find myself thanking Erykah Badu. That's because to me she's one of my biggest influences. She was never afraid to be herself even if it made others uncomfortable. that alone gave me a sense of freedom,a drive to be my own authentic self. From her music to her fashion to her way of thinking, it constantly makes me want to evolve as a young black woman.

There's not many women in the industry that you can honestly say stayed true to themselves throughout their whole career and Erykah Badu is one of few. No matter what was going on in fashion or music she always seemed to march to the beat of her own drum. Erykah is Art and to me art is suppose to push the envelope and make the mind think more and the heart feel more. With Erykah Badu creating her own lane she was able to become a fixture in soul music and hip hop. She is absolutely timeless in a industry that will chew you up and spit you out.

Erykah Badu is not only relevant to my blog but also the inspiration behind it. From her style to her spirit, every essence of her was used to add a sense of freedom to this blog. The women that will be  featured on this blog will embody the phenomenal qualities like Erykah. They will be electrifying, Beautiful,Fierce, Non-conformity, and inimitable.

DON'T TOUCH MY HAIR

Don't Touch My Hair

Across the world there are companies who believe that African American women shouldn't wear their natural hair at work because they don't think its professional. From Afro puffs to dreadlocks the disdain for the black culture of hair has been worldly shown by corporate America. A lot of African American women have been cornered into straightening their hapso that they wont stand out among their white colleagues. They are told to wear a weave because its more acceptable.


Its almost as if its not a choice anymore to be your true authentic self. black women are left with the choice to either wear their natural hair and not get hired or straighten their hair to pretend to be something they're not to work for someone who's basically saying I don't care for who you really are. What makes my blood boil more is the fact that Caucasian women with big red hair such as Julia Roberts are never told to tone their hair down because its to distracting but a women of color is often belittled for embracing her roots.


Every black woman should not have to face scrutiny in the workforce because of her natural hair. Whether if she decides to straighten or wear it in its natural state this shouldn't be a decision made by her employer. Don't touch my Fro, Don't touch my Dreads, Don't Touch my Curls,

Don't Touch My hair, because it is the feelings that I wear!